Our thoughts today are the courtesy of Peter from Canada. He sent me this some time ago and I just found it and thought we would all benefit.
My father had Alzheimer’s. He changed from a loving, robust, active, humorous, God-fearing man to one who could not remember who his wife was. In fact for quite a while he had the mind of a sweet little boy. My mother a former kindergarten teacher knew exactly how to deal with such a “child.” God deals with things in very creative ways. My dad thought I was his oldest brother. His oldest brother lived in the Netherlands; we were in Canada.
I noticed that if he was reminded of what he wasn’t, that he would become agitated and unhappy. I decided to meet him where he was at in his mind. I acted as if he was as lucid as he had been prior to the disease removing the bulk of his memory. As I told people, all I want to do is uphold his dignity.
My most heart-rending time in his Alzheimer years was driving to the funeral of my mother. It took us 45 minutes to arrive at the cemetery. During that time every two minutes the conversation went as follows.
Dad: “Where are we going?”
Me: “We are going to Mom’s funeral.”
Dad: “O yes, she died. She was such a wonderful lady.”
Me: “She sure was, Dad.”
Not once did I correct him, not once did I say: “I’ve told you that fourteen times in the last half hour.”
You want to know where respect starts? It starts in the depths of who I am–in the inner parts of my soul. It started with an act of love for my dad. God commands us to love our neighbor. It is not a gift; it is a choice. It was one of the most difficult of my life, but how it made him feel made it worth it in a way I cannot describe with words. I beg all who read this to make that choice, now. Show respect at the cost of yourself.
John Fischer The Catch 
My Dad didn’t have Alzheimers, but suffered from mini-strokes. For awhile I was his brother. His brother was killed in WW11. At first I would try to correct him, then like the article’s writer, I just went with it. The night my mother died, my Dad was in a hospital bed, in the living room of the house. When we came back from the hospital to tell him the news, he thought that his Mom had died. Over the next and last 6 months of his life we had to remeind him, that my Mom {ruth} was gone. He would call out for her, etc. It seeems the thief of all things, is constantly plucking things from us, but I have to remember, that God hides those things till the Day of his appearing, to give us a full view of what the Redeemer does and what redemption is , above and beyond salvation
And we will all remember, except for our sin!
I am reading this as I prepare to drive my mother home from a visit to my daughter’s home. She is 87 and her mind and body are beginning to fail. Today’s post is something I really need to hear & to remember in the coming days. Thank you for sharing such an important insight for me to hold on to as we walk this part of the journey together.
My dad, died of Alzheimer’s two years ago. Just like in this true life story, my dad who was a God fearing man lost his memory and he thought that my mother was his mother. However, he remembered all of his children. He did not always remember our names, but he knew we were his kids.
Alzheimer’s will take away a persons dignity, as well as their minds. Dad suffered with this terrible disease for many years, his love for us, and his God never changed, he still trusted in his Lord and Savior. Dad was 85 when he passed. I am glad that one day I will see him again, walking with his Lord, and in his right mind.
I pray that someday they will find a cure for Alzheimer’s.
I love this…thank you, Peter. May I learn from you and follow your example. It is a choice, and why do we find it easier a lot of the time to be unkind and snappish rather than showing respect!
Amen! And thank you, Peter, for reminding me that neither I nor anyone or anything else are or can be right–correct, equitable, happy, just and other senses of the word–all the time.
I need to put this into practice this the next time I get frustrated and sad that my dad is not the person he once was, at least on the outside…
I’ve been caring for my wife for the past three years. Severe chronic headaches and finally a stroke changed her memory, short term. The combination of pain and fatigue has brought on depression and dementia. I struggle every day with continuous repetition. Sometimes my heart gets hardened and my patience runs out.
Everyday for me starts out with with renewed strength and energy only to run short before the day is over. The Lord is my charger! It’s a new day, Lord, let’s go in love and peace. Hope and joy are on the menu. Thank you Jesus, you are the source of all.
JTB
“It is not a gift. It is a choice.”
That was most the powerful statement in a very powerful story.
In the language of Marriage Encounter, that reads “Love is a decision” (as opposed to a feeling). We have opportunities to make that decision every day.
To Peter from Canada: Thanks, I needed that. My husband of 63 years has vascular dementia from strokes and blockage of vessels to the brain. He is so much his old self, but can’t remember a thing short term. The questions are never-ending and I try to be so patient as if it’s the first time he’s asked. Peter renews my desire to be patient and loving as the Lord renews my soul every day. We are never alone. Thanks to you, John, for allowing Peter to be heard. God Bless!
It is a choice. Thanks for sharing that. My 96-yr-old dad passed away March 1. He had Alzheimer’s also, although his heart just finally gave out. He had the “slower” kind, and medicines really improved his quality of life overall. He still recognized my mom, myself, my husband, and my brother (he was up 2 wks prior). But that was it.
My biggest lesson with him was not just in him being able to go in dignity. But really it was watching my 84-yr-old mom go from being a rather impatient, somewhat demanding person to one who did nearly a complete turnaround. She still lost her patience, but it was more lately from just really realizing she couldn’t do this much longer.
If she had gone first, I really don’t know what I would have done. But I do know that God did put me in situations to be able to help her understand more of where dad was at when he couldn’t do this anymore or that anymore. I found myself constantly reminding her that it was time to move along from trying to “make” him remember how to do something and just celebrate what he could do. At the end, it was enjoy a ride every day in the car, sometimes several.
Also, my mom tends to “fix” things by talking… She’s very talkative. A couple of days before dad went into the hospital on Feb 25, he told her that “she needed to be quiet, she talked to much”. I think that was the beginning there of his end. He was just ready to go. And ready to be quiet.
And yes, if we can only be in tune to our neighbors, and love them as they come, instead of trying to make them into someone else… I’m sure life would be a lot less stressful sometimes.
“…God did put me in situations to be able to help her understand more of where dad was at when he couldn’t do this anymore or that anymore. I found myself constantly reminding her that it was time to move along from trying to “make” him remember how to do something and just celebrate what he could do.”
What a blessing you were able to give your mom–and your dad–Kellie! There was a lot of wisdom in what you did and said. Thank you.
What a great tribute to Peter! When someone disrespects another, it is not about the person being disrecpected – it’s about the other person. I liked how Peter said it was about who he was, and his love for his Dad. When we love others the way God loves them, we put our own ego aside and treat everyone with dignity.
Thanks Peter for your story. I went through a similar thing with my mother.
At times she thought I was her brother. We also had the added problem of her deafness and for the last few years of her life she was blind. We think she was only able to see vague shadows with no details. She did not know me at all but seemed to know my brother most of the time. I have to confess that I did not have the patience that I should have had, my younger brother Jack was much better at dealing with the problem than I was and I thank God for him. She went home two years ago at the age of ninety-nine. I look forward to seeing her again. She will be able to see and hear and I will be able to ask her to forgive me for my impatience.
Of course.
My mom (87) has Alzheimer’s and lives with me. The progression of the disease is relentless and can try anyone’s patience. Learning to go with the flow helps. Mom endlessly repeats and if her routine changes, its difficult for her to cope. I don’t correct her repetitions or perceptions any more. The most difficult part for me to handle at the moment is the paranoia and the agitation that builds with it. Long rides used to be soothing for her, but now they’ve just become points of agitation because she worries that I’ve taken her out of the house in order for someone to come in and remove her furniture. “They’re coming to take me away,” funs through her mind. No amount of reassurances seem to help. The only thing I can do when this happens is tell her I love her and I’m not trying to move her out. The accusations are the hardest because I don’t know what to say, other then, “I’m sorry you feel this way.” I hate the disease, but I love my mom. We take it one day at a time, trying not to project too much into the future, living now.
May God give you strength and wisdom.
My Mother had Alzheimer’s. Her experience was very different from many others – in addition to losing her memory, she cried everyday for 6 years, and had extreme anxiety. Sometimes I just didn’t know how to cope with it. One day the thought occurred to me to write down my feelings. As I picked up the pen, the words came out in rhyme. This happened everyday for a week. At the end of the week, I was left with 7 lovely poems to my Mother, and as hard as I tried to force it, could not write another poem. I wondered many times what the purpose of this was, and finally concluded it was the Lord’s way of saying, don’t worry, I have everything in control. And I had some beautiful words to read at my Mother’s funeral.
Wow. That is amazing that God gave those to you at just the right time. What a blessing.
A wonderful example of God bringing His good out of a difficult situation. And such a personal gift for you! God is good…
Thank you so much for this. I tend to correct my mother too much and I needed to hear these words. From today on, I’m going to make an effort to go along with what she says.
I became primary caregiver for my mom, who now is in the end stage of Alzheimer’s, when I was in nursing school. My husband and I sold our home and moved in with Mom, because she didn’t want to leave her home. I took care of her for more than three years, while working full time, then part time, and also going to school. It was more difficult in the beginning as I knew so little about the disease, and trying to figure out what she still could do for herself and what she needed me to do for her caused much grief. I wanted so much for her to maintain as much ability and independence as she could, for as long as she could. It was difficult when she was able to dress herself one day, but not the next. Then two days later she could do it again.
For a long time I felt like many children of parents with dementia feel: that no one could take care of my mom as well as I could. My husband tried for months to help me to see that was no longer the case, that the toll it was taking on me was great, and that I was possibly doing her more harm than good. It never sunk in until during one of my clinical experiences while in nursing school, while I fed one of the residents of a nursing home, the realization hit me that I did not have time to do this for my mom. Then I realized that in a nursing home each staff member works 8-12 hours a day, and then gets to leave it all behind and go home. While Mom lived at home I was responsible for her 24-7. I got very little help from my brothers or others, and even when I was at work or school, I was still responsible and would sometimes receive calls from my husband or the daycare that mom needed me, and I would have to go take care of her.
The decision to place Mom in a nursing home was one of the most difficult of my life. I was wracked with guilt, even after I had the above realization. I finally decided to make application to a nursing home I was very familiar with, that was 2 miles from home. The normal process is that application is made, and the person is put on a waiting list. This particular home had a waiting list at times a year long. So I fully expected to have Mom home for at least several months before I got the call. I applied on a Thursday. On Monday, the nursing home called and said they would have a bed on Tuesday! I was shocked, but then I realized this was a God thing. He had provided once again what we needed when we needed it.
I have finished nursing school, and now work at a veteran’s home with residents who also have different types of dementia. What Peter describes as meeting his father where he was is the best way to treat people with dementia. This helps the person to maintain dignity in their own mind, and gives them a sense of purpose. We often try to find “work” for our residents to do that mimic what they did in their working life. If a man worked in a laundry, folding linens is a good occupation for him. If he was a security guard, having him check the doors (even though we already know they are locked) helps him to maintain a purpose. I have at times sat with a dying man holding his hand, and he thought I was his dead wife. If it gives him comfort, who am I to destroy that picture he has in his mind? Since God lives outside of time, is it really wrong for a person with dementia to live in a different time in their mind? Who are we to say that our “reality” is any more real that theirs?
Sometimes it is hard for us to admit that we can’t handle things on our own; I’m right with you on that! How wonderful that as soon as you took the step of applying to the nursing home for your mom, God opened the way and allowed her to get in almost immediately. We need to remember to “let go, and let God”.
It sounds like you’re doing good work with those veterans; may God bless you as you serve Him.