An Iranian woman was asked what was the most difficult part in her adjustment to living in the United States. She didn’t say anything about the different environment for women as might have been expected. Instead, she said the most difficult adjustment was the fact that she found it hard to cook for only her family of four. She was used to feeding, at any time of the day, meals for various extended family members and friends. Serving in that way is a natural part of her culture.
Her solution to this problem is simple. Besides providing an elderly woman across the street with dinner delivered each night to her door, she goes out and invites people to join her family — sitting at the table and eating what would have been leftovers. Now there’s an easy solution to leftovers — invite the neighborhood.
Hearing this story reminded me of a parable Jesus told of a man who prepared a great feast and invited many guests, but when those guests made excuses about other things they had to do, he sent his servant into the streets and alleys of the town to invite the poor, the crippled, the blind and the lame. “After the servant had done this, he reported, ‘There is still room for more.’ So his master said, ‘Go out into the country lanes and behind the hedges and urge anyone you find to come, so that the house will be full'” (Luke 14:22-23). There won’t be any leftovers at this feast!
It’s quite an indictment on western society that this woman’s most difficult adjustment was to the selfishness of our culture compared to her mid-eastern culture of hospitality. Americans don’t share very well. We have been raised in a culture that worships individuality and ownership. The goal is to have all our own stuff so we don’t need to depend on anyone else. We work very hard to have our own house, our own car, our own swimming pool, our own entertainment system, and our own dinner with our own family. Sharing is not an American trait.
I’ve noticed in myself a resistance to sharing the family dinner with outsiders. When my older children were around more, they often sprang their friends on us at the last minute. I always resented this at first, but then it would often turn into an evening enlivened with conversation, music and laughter. I would go to bed a little later and a little more tired but always richer for it.
Maybe it’s time to go out and invite in the neighborhood. I have a good enough sense of God’s economy to know that if we work at sharing, God will give us more to share.
John Fischer The Catch 
Like to add an Amen to this: “I have a good enough sense of God’s economy to know that if we work at sharing, God will give us more to share.” I just wish, hope and pray to get that soooooooo much better drilled into my heart…
I’m wondering which is harder for some of us – getting over the “I only have enough for me” attitude, or negating the excuses we invent for not initiating the connection with our neighbors in the first place, so that we CAN share. I have a feeling that for many (me included), the latter is the harder step. It’s pretty easy to contribute to a food pantry or send a donation to an overseas mission, or even help out someone I meet on the street – there’s no obligation to do more or actually get involved in the day-to-day lives of anyone – but if I share with a neighbor, whom I’m likely to see day-in and day-out, that opens the door to an actual relationsip with (YIKES!) responsibility and commitment, and (DOUBLE YIKES!) accountability to someone else – pretty scary stuff for us Westerners. Needful things, all, but nonetheless, scary.
I understand you Miss North Carolia, Carole O., too well in this: “…if I share with a neighbor, whom I’m likely to see day-in and day-out, that opens the door to an actual relationsip with (YIKES!) responsibility and commitment, and (DOUBLE YIKES!) accountability to someone else – pretty scary stuff for us Westerners. Needful things, all, but nonetheless, scary.” Amen! and plz don’t feel alone in that struggle…:)
John, I’d have to say that your perspective is colored by the fact that you live in California. If you lived in the South, you’d see hospitality just as gracious as in Eastern cultures – probably more so, because the hospitality wouldn’t be based on your acceptance of Allah. If you’d like to see true American hospitality, do a road trip. Americans in small towns are still gracious and generous. You may see callous selfishness in places like NY, CA and FL, but in most of the rest of the country, people still go out of their way to offer a helping hand, especially Christians, and especially Christians that are not well off.
It’s easy to point out what’s wrong with America, and I am one of the worst for doing that. But that is my own selfishness coming out. I think it goes back to what the Bible says about “to the pure all things are pure, but to the defiled all things are defiled.” We see what we want to see, and if we are selfish ourselves, that is what we will see around us. Kind of like when you’re in the market for a BMW, it’s suddenly amazing how many BMWs are on the road.
Even though I’m sure Israel was a very selfish culture, that doesn’t seem to be what Jesus zeroed in on. He seems to have noticed generosity, like the widow who gave her last mite, or Zacchaeus, or the several women who washed His feet with their hair. Jesus was impressed by faith and generosity, while at the same time amazed by people’s lack of faith. But I don’t see Him being amazed by their lack of generosity.
Perhaps it is because we are Americans that we are so sensitive to selfishness and generosity – we are a very materialistic culture. There was a report that came out recently that stated that poor people in this country give far more of their incomes to charities than rich people. Is that any surprise? I would also wager that Christians give far more than non-Christians and that Americans give far more than other countries.
So, yes, we’re selfish. But I think that is a condition of the human heart, not a distinctive of Western culture or Americans.
“… because the hospitality wouldn’t be based on your acceptance of Allah.” I just finished six weeks in a Muslim-majority country and had many meals with many people was was never asked first if I agreed with their view of God. What did you mean by this?
It’s what gave me such a deep love for the Cuban people. Thanks for the reminder of no matter how little we have we do have something to give.
Yes and yes again to what you wrote Richard, that’s sooooooo true!
Another aspect to this is a refusal many of us have to accept hospitality/kindness/generosity-for-its-own-sake. My late father was of the ilk that practically obsessed on “not being a burden to others” and ignoring the fact that, as an 87-year-old man living alone in his own house, that was exactly what he was to his family and neighbors. As much as we need to learn to reach out to help someone, we also need to reach out to ask for and receive help. Our fixation on “quality of life”, self-reliance and eternal youth has made us forget that this is part-and-parcel of the progression of our lives. Dad’s example has led me to determine that, should I reach a state when others might be watching out for me, I will reach out, ask and receive. And if that’s a burden to you, help me to my feet so I can show you the door.
John….. Where do you get the “selfishness factor” in your interpretation of the Iranian woman’s difficulty in adjusting to living in America? When one is accustomed to cooking for a crowd over the course of years, there is an adjustment in buying and preparing the proper quantity of food for just a few, compared to the way it used to be. It’s a matter of knowing how to only purchase and prepare in the new quantities that presents the problem….. not the whole Western society being a selfish one compared to Eastern cultures. I think your Liberal irritation with the West is showing through. I know you’re having trouble with making your mortgage, but please don’t paint all the rest of us in the West (America) with your extremely broad brush of “selfishness”, and the other negative characteristics you’ve chosen to describe our Country at this stressful time. I doubt very much if you would enjoy yourself in Iran…..compared to So. Calif. on the beach. And, by the way, I think the parable Jesus used was a picture of God’s heart toward His purpose for coming here… namely, to gather lost men into His Forgiveness, and Life, and Kingdom (the feast) through faith in His Provision for us. Selfishness begins to be worked on by His Holy Spirit’s work in us who accept His invitation. It’s not really a food thing at all. We could use a little more encouragement in our Faith, and a little less condemnation for being born in this Country…. you actually sound a little like our President in his Social bent towards the West. I’m reminded of another admonition we have been given for proper eating behaviour at feasts…. “if you don’t work, you don’t eat”. llThess. 3:10
Good to have some controversy.
The woman herself solved her problem by finding ways to show hospitality, not learning to cook for less people (a simple math problem). Seems JF had a fair understanding of her to me. Maybe he had more of the story too but he can answer that.
JF said: “We have been raised in a culture that worships individuality and ownership. The goal is to have all our own stuff so we don’t need to depend on anyone else.” While Americans are generous for sure, still that statement describes the modern day idolatry for most people I know in America including me.
RG, how would you better describe our American weakness / idolatry / blind spot?
Wow, John – seems you hit some sensitive nerves today!
There seems to be an overall theme of “Us” versus “Them” in some of the responses today: big cities versus small towns; Western versus Eastern culture; conservative versus liberal; Muslim versus Christian; even old versus young – how did this happen in a Catch about sharing? The Iranian woman could just have easily been an Italian, or even a plain old American who was used to a large extended family or community, but whose demographics and/or circumstances had changed. And yes, she probably COULD learn to shop and cook more frugally, but isn’t sharing better? And more fun?
I am hard pressed to understand how today’s Catch on a Biblical truth was converted to a perceived condemnation of America, and am dumbfounded that it was construed as voicing a political stance, concerned where John lives, or his current situation, or that the issue at hand is proper distribution of physical food. Yes, scripture does admonish that one who does not work, does not eat, but scripture also tells us in Acts 2:44-45: And all those who had believed were together and had all things in common; and they began selling their property and possessions and were sharing them with all, as anyone might have need.
Here’s what I am beginning to see about myself, and as Waitsel pointed out, what we see in ourselves we begin to see in others (even if the trait or idea is not really there, we easily perceive it to be, so if I’m merely projecting, I ask for forbearance, if not forgiveness):
We live in a bent and fallen world, full of bent and fallen people and that includes ALL of US.
Culture plays a HUGE role in our behavior, but it is not the only factor. We are exposed to other people and other ideas, and we CHOOSE which to assimilate into our lives and which to discard.
Culture and politics are two different things and are not necessarily synonymous. We seem to want to sort folks into boxes by their faith, culture, political persuasion, etc. But people are individuals with varying degrees of adherence to the stereotypes we force upon them, and they upon us. Folks rarely fit comfortably into the box we choose for them; if you doubt this, try asking them. And, by the way, how comfortable is the box you’ve been shoved into by someone else?
Excellent insight and exactly what I was feeling yet didn’t know how to articulate. thanks, Carole.
i’ll 2nd what brother Richard McKusic, Sr. wrote to you Carole… 🙂