Step 8. Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.

This is when it starts getting personal. This is when we start to involve others in this process. I can spend lots of time working on myself, (I can even fool myself into believing I’m doing what is asked of me) but the minute you bring someone else into the picture it becomes more complicated. This is where accountability comes in.

This is about collecting another inventory like we did in Step 4, only this time it’s an inventory of the people we have harmed.

So where do you start? Well you start with the people closest to you; they are the ones you have hurt the most, although they might be the last ones you would think of because they and you have become so comfortable and codependent in your rationalizations that you don’t see it. Believe me I know all about this.

This is where we can thank the creators of these steps because they are kind; they ease us into this. This step you don’t actually confront anyone, you just make a list of the people you have harmed and then decide if you are willing to go to each of them and make amends. We’re just imagining doing this at this point and trying to decide if we could. (Spoiler Alert: The actual doing is Step 9.) This may take some time just to determine if we are willing to make this step.

As I said, this is all about accountability. We’re drawing a wider circle around ourselves and accountability is the fact that we affect everyone around us. No one is an island. We are all connected in ways we aren’t even aware of. We live in a matrix of interconnectedness with consequences to our actions everywhere. This is where we turn our thoughts outward and ask, “What has my selfishness wrought? Who have I harmed in relying on my addiction to cope with my inadequacies?”

This step has to come from your heart. Stay in your head with this step and you will talk yourself out of what you need to do. Your head is full of easily-accessed rationalisms, blaming and limiting beliefs that keep you protected. But your heart is open and vulnerable. Your heart is without protection. And therein lies its power because when you operate from your heart, you are open and able to allow the Holy Spirit to guide you.

This is never an easy task. It requires a huge amount of vulnerability and courage, but that will come next.