John Fischer The Catch

Step 8. Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.

Okay, well, I think I may have gone far enough with this twelve step program, what about you? Up until now, all has been well and good. Without admitting to anyone my personal struggles, I’ve been able to glean some important things from these steps. Of course I’m not an alcoholic, so it’s bound to be limited how far I can go with this, and now that I get to the part where I start involving other people, well, this may be where I have to get off. I mean I’ve got a list of people that I have harmed along the way, but I don’t need to actually go to them and make amends, do I? Isn’t it enough to imagine doing it? Won’t that sort of teach me the same things? I mean, it’s hard enough just to imagine doing this, much less do it!

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Time for You by John Fischer from the album, “Casual Crimes”

[Click on title to stream song.]

I have been the subject of an endless theme

And the star in everybody else’s dream

I have fought the demons of my own dark night

Finding only shadows in the dawning light

My ship is in; my debt is due

The time is now — the time for you

I have crossed the chasms of my casual crimes

I have passed the sign at least a thousand times

Waiting for a hand to rescue me

While at any time I could have walked out free

My ship is in; my debt is due

The time is now — the time for you

There are no more places where my heart can flee

There are no more friends to give me sympathy

I am out of reasons; I am out of time

I am out to make it in the uphill climb

My ship is in; my debt is due

The time is now — the time for you

Step 8. Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.

This is the song of a narcissist (me) waking up to the fact that there are people outside of self who count more than he does.  It seems like a given. It seems like something mostly everyone knows instinctively (and most do), but it’s a class I missed. It’s a sign I didn’t see. It’s something everyone gets by the time they are four or five years old that I skated right by. I have people I can blame for this, but that doesn’t help me now. So what? (They’re dead now anyway, so I can’t make amends even if I wanted to.)

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8. Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.

Okay, now these steps have taken to meddling. Let’s not bring anybody else into this. This is my own personal struggle. I can handle this myself, thank you. Bring someone else into this process and it becomes painfully real that I can’t operate in a vacuum. None of us can.

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My dear brothers and sisters, if someone among you wanders away from the truth and is brought back, you can be sure that whoever brings the sinner back from wandering will save that person from death and bring about the forgiveness of many sins. James 5:19-20

6. Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.

There is a beautiful humility that becomes a person who has admitted the helplessness and unmanageability of their own life, and has turned their will and their life over to God. They are obviously not God, but God is in the room. It’s over. The fight is over. It’s God to the rescue.

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6. Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.

I love the way these steps get you ready for something before you actually do anything about it. In Step 2 we came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity before we trusted that power with our lives (Step 3). Here we are asking if we are ready to have God get rid of all the bad stuff in our lives before He actually does it. Well of course you want to get rid of the bad stuff, but not so fast. We’ve made adjustments to all this bad stuff. We have justifications and rationalizations for them all. These are our coping mechanisms. We depend on these things. Let’s at least get ready to lose them. Get ready to lose that whoopee blanket before He rips it out of our hands. In the movie, Mr. Mom, Jack gives his kid a moment with his blanket before he has to hand it over. That’s what this step is about — that moment.

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6. Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.

7. Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings.

Something tells me it’s time to either get serious about this 12-step thing or drop it. I feel like I’ve been dancing around this for at least a week, maybe more. I don’t think anybody’s rubber is meeting their road, at least mine isn’t. So far this spiritual walk-through of the twelve steps hasn’t cost me anything. Nothing’s changed; and isn’t this supposed to be all about change? Isn’t it about changing the things we are powerless against? 

I’m waiting for some real AA people to just knock us over the head here pretty soon and say, “What are you doing? Is this just a game? Are we being cute here?”

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Step 5. Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.

Hi, my name is John, and thanks to the overwhelming lovingkindness of God, I am a sinner saved by grace. Whatever goodness that is in my life has come from the hand of God. There’s still plenty of sin in me because it is rooted deep into this body of death I carry around, but you might rightfully call me a recovering sinner.

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