If you’re just picking this up after the holiday, Marti was still holed up in our tiny bathroom with the little electric space heater because our furnace was temporarily disabled, when she decided to allow me into the inner sanctum as long as I would allow her to hold court on an idea that has been taking shape in her thinking for some time. So I removed a few layers of clothing (my way of dealing with the cold), my stupid wooly hat with the earflaps down, and joined her. What she uncovered with me is a way of looking at things that forced me to pry open some long-standing evangelical cans of worms, and look at things in a new light. I must admit, I am still somewhat skeptical, though I see much sense in her ideas, and feel I must take them seriously, in case my hesitation is merely my religious in-breeding raising its ugly head. There is also the small matter that Marti is not stupid, has her own spiritual gifts and understandings, and has a history of being right, oh gosh, most of the time, I would have to say.
So here is her thinking in a nutshell, and realize this is my current understanding of her thinking, which is undoubtedly somewhat askew, but something I want to attempt, as I know that one of the quickest ways for me to get to the bottom of something new is to write about it and hear what someone else thinks about it. (That’s where you come in.)
It all centers on conflict. Conflict is necessary for real connection to take place. You can’t connect with anyone without conflict. Take the gospel, for instance. Sin obviously has created a conflict between God and us. God has solved that by putting our sin on His son on the cross. That works fine outside of time and space where these transactions have once-and-for-all consequences. However, inside of time and space where we live, sin is still a factor in our relationship with God, so therefore, conflict is too. And yet God connects with us anyway. He has found a way to connect with us – present tense – in our sin, which He paid for, and even more than this, He has reconciled us to Himself. So with Christ, the end result of facing into conflict is connection resulting in reconciliation. Not too bad a result for facing into something like conflict that most of us try to run away from. And facing conflict is not just a path to some deeper experience; it is a requirement for right relationships. We can’t experience reconciliation without embracing conflict just as we cannot experience forgiveness without embracing our sin.
There are only two choices when it comes to conflict: face into it or face away. One leads to reconciliation and hope, the other leads to isolation and further conflict. Think about America’s current political landscape for a good example of conflict without reconciliation. You have to go back to Civil War days to find the country more divided with no one willing to even try and connect with the other side.
But herein also lies the hope, because those willing to connect in spite of conflict will find an empowerment that comes from facing their own fears in the fears of others, seeing their poverty in the needs of others, and experiencing their judgment in the judgment of others toward them. This is what makes reconciliation possible, because in connecting, we are changed; we are simply not the same person we were before.
Every day is full of choices to remain comfortable – to stay within everything you know and believe, or face into the conflict of another outside yourself, and become vulnerable to the reconciliation process that comes through meeting Christ over and over again.
Nobody likes conflict (except perhaps my wife who seems to relish it most of the time). Most of us avoid it at all costs usually steering clear of anything that we know might cause it, but this in turn creates an isolation that drives us further apart.
In the midst of this new understanding, we had a family conflict last night that threatened to tear us apart. Marti wanted to dig in and find out the truth; Annie wanted to express her feelings freely; Chandler and I wanted to run, which would have been temporarily less painful (at least for us), but would have created a huge disconnect that would have been far more painful in the long run, and deeper. Instead, by choosing to connect in spite of the pain, we all became more vulnerable to reconciliation, Christ’s forgiveness and overcoming love.
Can I say we are all healed and hunky dory now? No. Can I say we are all in a place where we need God’s grace? Yes! And I can’t think of a better place to be.
More to come…
John Fischer The Catch 
Could you be describing my family, where we love each other in spite of ourselves?! We accept the warts, and we often rub each other raw, but when the dust settles, we still love each other, and move on.
I hate conflict – that is, I hate the bad sort of conflict. The problem is that there is two kinds of conflict: good conflict and bad conflict.
Good conflict is where people are willing to listen and understand each other’s point of view.
Bad conflict is where one person (or group) is not willing to listen and uses conflict to abuse the person (or group) who they view as their opponent. The first result is that the abused person is stripped of their defenses and dignity, and separated from safety. The conflict appears to have a winner and a loser. The winner comes out on top and the loser is forced to retreat or surrender or submit. Unfortunately, in that scenario, the winner is also a loser. So, there is no winner. Also, unfortunately, abuse creates an abuser. And the cycle is perpetuated. Bad conflict is one of satan’s favorite weapons.
And unfortunately, some of us are really good at bad conflict.
TimC, I so appreciate your comments, since I have an older sibling who uses conflict in this way. They must always be right, and their particular belief and theology are THE TRUTH and anyone disagreeing is simply wrong, period. There is no winner in this type of conflict, no chance to come to an “agree to disagree” resolution.
I am like John in that I run from conflict, but in my issue with this particular sibling, there is no point in standing up to the conflict because the point of the conflict, in their opinion is to win and show me that I am wrong. So while I agree that there is conflict that needs to be dealt with, in this case, I will run (and keep running) to avoid conflict with this person simply so that I can keep my dignity and sanity intact.
If I may please suggest LisaS: to consider reading about any of Dr. Robert Rohm’s DISC Method of Understanding Personility Types book and his book(s) will greatly help you…
PS plus they will help you to understand your sibling need to always be right ad how to deal with it..
Problem: No attempt to connect.
I think connection has to be a two-way street. While I would love to face the conflict with my sibling and move THROUGH it, the reality is that I have tried to face it work through it only to be attacked even further with how wrong, misinformed, sadly mistaken I am. How can you connect with someone who has no desire to resolve a conflict?
My first ramblings disappeared, but I do think I have something to share so am going for it again 🙂 I am more like Marti, but this is learned behavior in 53 years of marriage, as I was NOT raised in an environment where there was ever confrontation. Rather things were “swept under the rug” to be discovered years later or tripped over from time to time. We care deeply for those in our family, so should be open to each others perspective, even tho’ often different. I encourage you all to go for it…………face it as difficult as it may be. John do not run!!!! Sit, with eye contact, be still and listen. Marti do the same. Often we women can ‘out talk’ our husbands and we need to listen, ask questions and seek to know just what is going on in their head and heart. No it will never be perfect but we are an in progress people and God’s grace triumphs when we let it and extend it to each other. Love to you ALL.
I’ll simply suggest to get a better and much deeper understanding of how to resolve conflicts-to consider reading about any of Dr. Robert Rohm’s DISC Method of Understanding Personility Types and than it will be soooo much easier to understand why Marti (and it seems like Anne too) is not having any problem w/ conflicts and matter-of-fact kind of enjoys them or is not afraid of them and why Pastor John and Chandler would very much jus leave the room to maybe deal w/ it another day or time – it’s either understand it much better, or to always be dealing w/ this and trying to compare it to sin and God’s forgiveness, which is not a bad comparison, it is actually a pretty good one, yet I firmly think / believe MOST if not about all of all human conflicts are about personality types, so learning them better is a great way to understand them and how to resolve them also how to avoid them, or how not to avoid them. Or continue to “play games” with each others emotions, which I think / feel is kind of “childish.” When spending 10 minutes a day reading a good book by Dr. Rohm will help resolve and understand them… that’s my two cent… LOL 🙂
I hate the lack of opportunity to face conflicts. I’m stuck here alone most of the time- and when “good Christians” DO get together – God forbid we’re not in full praise/worship mode…little hope for reconciliation-lots more isolation and – at very least – inner conflict.
On conflict, insensitivity, security, and comfort: Take Off Your Shoes.
“‘Do not come any closer,’ God said. ‘Take off your sandals, for the place where you are standing is Holy ground.’” — Exodus 3:5
When you think about it, shoes provide us with protection and a sense of security. Nothing puts a spring in our step like a pair of brand-new shoes! Shoes give us a cushion between the hard ground and our vulnerable feet. They make us invincible to elements like snow, rain, rocks, or thorns. With the right pair of shoes, you can walk just about anywhere without feeling discomfort.
However, on that fateful day [of their first encounter], God wanted Moses to be uncomfortable. God wanted Moses to feel every rock, pebble, and grain of sand. Did you know that our feet contain nerve endings from our entire body? Our feet are an extremely sensitive part of our body. And at that moment, God wanted Moses to be sensitive – super-sensitive.
Why? “For the place you are standing on is holy ground.” Moses was about to become the leader of the children of Israel. This was holy work, and indeed, he was standing on “holy ground.” God wanted to teach Moses at the outset that in order to do His holy work, Moses must remain extremely sensitive.
Leaders can easily fall into the trap of being out of touch with the people. Most leaders of nations enjoy luxuries that the general public does not. It’s easy to become insensitive to the needs of the common man or unsympathetic to a poor man’s plight. God, on the other hand, says “Don’t you dare! My people are my precious children.” Moses was commanded to remain as sensitive as he was at that moment until the day that he died.
Insensitivity is a trap we all can fall into. It’s hard to empathize with the hungry if your stomach is always full, or to feel for the homeless when we are enjoying the comfort and warmth of our own homes. But, friends, we in service of the Lord are on “holy ground.” We must remain acutely sensitive to the needs of His children and do our best to meet them, whenever and however we can.
Rabbi Yechiel Eckstein
President – International Fellowship of Christians and Jews
http://www.holylandmoments.org/devotionals
This is beautiful. Thank you!
John, Great discussion. I just published an article that I think you would appreciate: it’s called “Living Without Resentments” – http://www.christianknighthood.com/character/grace/Living_Without_Resentments.html
I believe that most conflict is caused by resentments. Jesus had trouble with the scribes and Pharisees of His day because they resented Him. Even Pilate picked up on that. We have trouble with the people in our lives, either because they resent us or we resent them. As I point out in my article, most of the conflicts in society are caused by resentments, whether you’re talking about Nazis resenting Jews back in 1930s Germany, Democrats and Republicans resenting each other in Washington, or what’s going on in our own towns, homes and heads. If we will eliminate the resentments we’re holding onto by forgiving the responsible parties, and ask for forgiveness from those that we’ve wronged, we can eliminate most of the conflicts in our lives, and thus enjoy the peace that Christ came to bring.
Replacing resentments with forgiveness is the key. That opens the door to fellowship.
Many blessings in the New Year!
I just changed that address, in case anyone wants to check out the article. It is now http://www.waitsel.com/character/grace/Living_Without_Resentments.html
Something you said here struck a nerve with me:
“Nobody likes conflict (except perhaps my wife who seems to relish it most of the time).”
Now just hold on a minute there. I am a word person; words mean everything to me, and I don’t like that word “relish” at all.
This is because when it comes to my husband and I, I’m the one who refuses to run from conflict. And my husband has often made the same sort of comment that you just made – that I must like it. Nothing can be further from the truth. I would venture a guess that Marti doesn’t “relish” conflict. We confronters could just as easily say that you conflict-avoiders are chickens who would rather lay down and die than fight – peace at any cost. In the heat of battle with emotions running high, we both struggle with the temptations to cry “Bully! Coward!”
But the idea is to avoid the heat of battle and emotion. The idea is to sit and talk like reasonable human beings and resolve the thing. As you’ve said, in healthy relationships both camps are committed to conflict resolution. It sounds like that’s what your family did recently (and thanks for telling us that; I can never hear that enough).
My in-laws never fought, at least in front of their children, and they encouraged my husband and I to do the same. But I have never liked that idea because it doesn’t teach children anything about resolving conflict. Don’t get me wrong here – I don’t think my kids need to see a screaming match. But watching their parents work things out means they will learn to work things out themselves.
So in the end, I think it’s safe to say that both camps would just rather not have the conflict at all. The pursuit of peace just comes from different directions. And hey, if you’ve got a beef with that, well, buster, let’s just climb in the ring and put the gloves on, shall we? Hey! Come back here!
Thanks, Jen. Interesting, entertaining and I agree. No one likes conflict except verbal pugilists, who see every conversation as a chance to debate; and perhaps die hard competitors. Peace can come through strength and it can also come through submission. Sometimes God wants us to stand and fight and sometimes He wants us to walk away. Where I differ with you and John is, I think what we do should be directed by the Holy Spirit, not by our personality, although obviously God does use our personalities. Most of the time, though, I think we fight because we’re prideful and walk away because we’re afraid. Christ did both, but not for either of those reasons.
I’m a little late to the party on this one, but your email reminded me of the various responses to conflict noted by Peacemaker Ministries in their training. There are several possible responses they note, but here are a couple of excerpts from recent emails they sent me. The related verses they reference are “There is no fear in love… perfect love drives out fear.” 1 John 4:18 and “Blessed are the peacemakers, for they shall be called sons of God.” Matt. 5:9.
Sad that I can’t find the positive responses right now! Anyway, here are the excerpts:
Denial.
One way to escape from a conflict is to pretend that it does not exist. Or, if we cannot deny that the problem exists, we simply refuse to do what should be done to resolve a conflict properly. These responses bring only temporary relief and usually make matters worse (see Gen. 16:1-6; I Sam. 2:22-25).
Flight.
Another way to escape from a conflict is to run away. This may include leaving the house, ending a friendship, quitting a job, filing for divorce, or changing churches. In most cases, running away only postpones a proper solution to a problem (see Gen. 16:6-8), so flight is usually a harmful way to deal with conflict.
People who use escape responses are usually intent on ‘peace-faking,’ or making things look good even then they are not. This is especially common in the church, where people are often more concerned about the appearance of peace than the reality of peace. Attack responses are used by people who are prone to ‘peace-breaking.’ They are more than willing to sacrifice peace and unity to get what they want.
Taken from The Peacemaker: A Biblical Guide to Resolving Personal Conflict
by Ken Sande, Updated Edition (Grand Rapids, Baker Books, 2003) p. 23 and 28.
This whole discussion on conflict has been very fruitful. What I have gleaned so far is that we need to be very sensitive to one anothers needs and desires, yet not enable them. We need to stop running from conflict and face it squarely, and come to a resolution. We must deal with conflict in love. We all see things from a perspective of our personality type, and those types can be the root of conflict.
My wife and I are different….I run from conflict, she deals with it because she wants resolution. She is all about detail, I am about the big picture. The root of conflict is the unwillingness to understand one another because that is the loving thing to do. I say this because my wife and I just went to marriage counselling because we couldn’t resolve our conflicts. We had become like two armed camps, both of which were unwielding in their stance yet wanting peace.
The tools we received were to listen to the person who had a problem with something we were doing. That person was to own the problem….It seems to me that this is what I notice…””.Then the listener would repeat what they understood the problem to be from the others point of view. Then a discussion would ensue as to motivation for certain behaviors and spoken words. Once I tried to understand and accept my wife’s position the conflict disappeared. While I did not necessarily agree or like her position that is how she felt. We resolved a lot of our marriage issues tout suite. We also were both willing to accept how the other person felt, and not be judgmental about it but loving acceptance.
Since then I relish conflict because if I deal with it in a loving fashion as described above, I know that once we get beyond the conflict and reach resolution I am in a place of emotional peace. That is a wonderful place to be. This stance raised some eyebrows in my family. One of my children was describing a conflict. My response was, “Good”. They said how can conflict be good? I said ” Ï look beyond the conflict and am relishing the fact that there is going to be understanding and hopefully solution if not we agree to disagree, but the bottom line will be that love prevailed’.
Bring on the conflict so that we can lovingly avoid a war!
Like to add an Amen to this,what Peter L. wrote: “Bring on the conflict so that we can lovingly avoid a war!”