Last night I got caught defending myself one too many times. In two or three instances, in a short span of time, it just so happened that my point of view clashed with my wife’s, and in each case, the most important thing in my mind was whether it was clearly understood that I was right. Being right was the only thing that mattered. The issue with me was that I felt misunderstood and it consumed me. It was the only thing I could see.
Now here is the problem with this: so what? So what if I was right? Is that the only thing that matters? What if it were possible that we were both right, just looking at the same thing from two different points of view? Then proving that I was right means next to nothing. She could do the same thing, and where would we be with a conversation? Stuck.
But wait a minute: it’s still true that I was misunderstood. She has to stop talking long enough for me to explain my point of view which makes perfect sense to me. Anyone could see that. Again it’s the same question: so what? My point of view is not the only thing being considered here. Hind sight tells me there is much more to this than my point of view.
Here is what I learned at least by this morning (it would have been better if I had learned it last night): It’s more important to understand than to be understood. It’s more important to see from another person’s perspective than to make sure everyone sees from mine. If we don’t get this, we won’t get anywhere.
Look at it this way: I’ve already got a pretty good relationship with my own mind. We understand ourselves. We talk to ourselves all the time. We try to figure out what we are going to do. We are like Gollum in “The Lord of the Rings,” reiterating our love for our “precious” repeatedly — our “precious” in this case being whatever we think is important. But think about it: Don’t I already have a relationship with myself? Isn’t that relationship going pretty well? Aren’t I a little sick of it? If that’s all I have going in my head, I will not have a relationship with anybody but me, my precious and I. Wow, that’s three of us now!
I think we all have our own Gollum, and it helps to see him as the ugly thing that he is. He is us all tied up with us. Get someone else going in your mind. Have a real conversation with someone. Who knows, it might broaden your perspective.
John Fischer The Catch 
Good one! It reminds me to become less of me and more like him. Selfless love.
John, Eureka! Huzzah! You’ve done it! You’ve hit the mother load. You’ve arrived. You’re there.
I just read in David Roper’s book, The Strength Of A Man, that if you want to cure loneliness, stop worrying about how many friends you do or don’t have and just be a friend. It’s the same idea. Once we become outward-focused, others-focused, we stop thinking about ourselves and suddenly our problems melt away. Suddenly things change.
If we could bottle this idea, we’d all be rich. If we could REMEMBER it, we’d all be happy. It’s the only way. So, why can’t we remember it? How come these huzzah moments only last for a short period and then we end up right back where we started – self-focused, unhappy. Maybe that’s why Hebrew culture had so many little reminders in it, all the little symbols that proliferated their society.
I’ll tell you, whatever it takes – even pay someone to call you three times a day to remind you – it’s worth it.
Thanks for this reminder today. You made my day!
This very circumstance about being right and swallowing the arrogance of pursuing that until it is acknowledged, has occurred to me the last little while in discussions with my wife. Man was I right and she wrong. I too have gone the route of love and understood rather than create an argument, although not before first making the mistake of not doing so. Thanks John for the insight, it is good to realize this is not just my problem.
The more I am intentional about unconditional love, the more I realize what God puts up with from me and what changes I need to make. When that thought hit me, man did I change my attitude of love directed at my wife, neighbor and self. It boggles my mind what love God has, to put up with this sinful world. After all he gave his only son, Jesus. If God can do that certainly I can put up with my wife’s thoughts, they are after all hers. So no argument there, just understanding. It is definitely a sacrifice, but an enjoyable one once at peace with knowing that I don’t need to be right.
Do you want to be RIGHT, or do you want to be HAPPY? I have learned that one 😉
Although, I found today’s Catch to be interesting and informative – A lot or 100% of this could be very easily & I think better understood to plz consider educating yourselfs by reading one of Dr. Robert A. Rohm’s the DISC method books about understand Personaility Styles… Or continue with this very easily resolved problems. Than consider reading, forgot the author’s name ’cause i have the book out on loan, yet the book’s title is “The 5 Love Languages,” or continue along w/ these type of issues…
PS by the way: Dr. Rohm is a Christian & very intelligent man & author, so is the author of the 5…
Good stuff as usual John! Boy am I guilty of this. I noticed a lot of others say that they have realized this before about themselves and have made changes. I have to say, I’m not in that group so this was big for me. Thanks! On a side note, one thing I have noticed in a lot of these situations is that after a long drawn out argument my partner and I have often found out that we were actually saying the same thing, just expressing it in different ways. I wonder if our need to be right is what keeps us from coming to this realization sooner. Understanding is much more likely to come with listening and I think often times we are forming and reforming our thoughts to make the other person understand instead of truly listening to what the other person is saying.
I never know where you’re going to take me in the morning. I just hope Cindy doesn’t read this one. 🙂
I always have to be right no matter how much twisting it takes. Okay, I’ll work on it.
Being right all the time isn’t as much fun as it sounds.
JOHN, APPRECIATE THE vulnerability. Why is being right so important to us? That is a question we each need to figure out. Joanie has pointed this very thing out to me. Working on the reason. In the mean time, “happy wife happy life”.
Bill if you really would like to find a very good answer to your question: “Why is being right so important to us?” Let me plz suggest brother for your considration to look into a good book(s) by Dr. Robert A. Rohm’s the DISC method books about understand Personaility Styles…