Here is some more incredible truth today from Marti. Often when Marti writes, she writes around stuff and you learn to mine her writing for the kernels of truth she hides inside. Today, this is the whole kernel. This is loaded. You will want to not just read it but study it. There’s not even any context. You provide the context. And remember, though this is written about marriage, it applies to any relationship.
by Marti Fischer
If you think that you have married the wrong person, but treat her like she is the right person, she will become the right one. On the other hand, if you think you married the right person yet treat him as if he were the wrong one, you will have clearly ended up marrying the wrong person.
Perhaps more importantly, can’t we BE the right kind of person rather than marrying the right person? Isn’t this the more important perspective? Whether you married the right or wrong person is primarily up to you as you are the decisive component. You are the only one you can do anything about. Your approach creates the climate, your attitude, the weather, making you hold tremendous power to make a life miserable or joyous. You can be a tool of torture or an instrument of inspiration; you can humiliate or humor; hurt or heal.
Isn’t it your response that determines whether a crisis is escalated or de-escalated, and a person humanized or dehumanized?
Given this, we can only conclude that if we treat people as they are, we make them worse. If we treat people as they ought to be, we help them become what they are. When we recognize the influence and responsibility that we have in a relationship rather than blaming the other for being the wrong person, we are no longer powerless to create positive change in a relationship. We can make a difference.
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails. (1 Corinthians 13:4-8)
John Fischer The Catch 
Thank you, I will keep this saved and come back to it as often as I’ll need it and I will also share it with all those that need truth. It has so much truth in it. And truth is all I want to be.
i’ll very happly 2nd unusximmportails comments… 🙂
Read and now digesting.
You guys have a direct line to God I am sure.
Marti, when I grow up I wanna be just like you. Seriously!
Someone told me the other day, “We do what we are.” I would modify that to say, “We do what we believe we are.” Few of us live up to doing what God made us to be in Christ. But it does give one pause…
If we strive to do what God made us in Christ, then we will treat others better than they deserve, and they will, in turn, be better and thus do better. Jesus was love, and therefore He did love. Because He is in us and is our true identity, we can do love as well.
It’s a great opportunity that only lasts one day… until tomorrow… when we’ll have another opportunity. “His mercies are new every morning.”
Thanks!
If I may add to this, I believe we become what we think others see us as. Now they may not see us the way we think they do but either way there is a tendency to live up to those perceived conditions, good or bad.
I love Marti’s thoughts and lowe426 because, for one, it shows the influence we can have on ourselves and others with just a change in attitude.
I read into Marti’s thoughts that love is a choice.
Good stuff
That’s lovely lowe426
So much good truth in this. I’ll re-read this many more times and share it with family and friends. Thanks, Marti
And, it doesn’t have to be a marriage. It can be a relationship with a coworker, child, etc.
very much so. My comment is below
Many years ago I married the love of my life. As time went on, she made it abundantly clear that I was responsible for her happiness and that I was a miserable failure – so she flushed me. I miss the companionship, but not the daily emotional abuse. God is healing me but it’s slow.
Thanks for coloring in another piece of the puzzle.
so sorry brother TimC to learn about the pain you once had to go through – very glad to read God is healing you – i’ll certainly pray that continues…
So true, so wise, so good. Thank you, Marti and John..
There is a book called the Anatomy of Peace by the Arbinger Institute that I encourage everyone to read. It’s short but has depth and beauty and can improve your relationships.It describes many of the things Marti writes about and I agree with them.
Here are some truths I have learned in therapy:
1. The only person you can change is yourself.
2. You cant meet another person halfway because you wont agree on where that halfway point is. You must meet the other person all the way.
3. Your happiness is no ones responsibility but your own. Its quite abusive to make someone else responsible for your happiness.
Unfortunately you can do all these things but your partner, for whatever reason, may not be ready to or able to also do them, and then you have to decide if you can be happy in that situation.
Right on! So many people enter relationships wondering what they can “get out of it”–instead of asking themselves: “What can I BRING to this relationship?” Very important!
This just smacks (in a painful, good, sad sort of way) right in my heart. I’m a 24-7 caregiver to my aged parents (89 and 87) who live with us. My Mom has dementia and our situation is proving more challenging day by day. I “know” that it’s me who has to provide the uplifting environment, that it’s me that has to be loving, but it has to be God that does it because I literally can’t….thanks for The Catch. It’s my daily.
Dear Catch friend Lenae i’ll be happy to remember you and your parents in my thoughts and prayers and 4 grace 4 you…
This sounds similar to something In Larry Crabb’s book “Marriage Builder”. He talks about the contrast between manipulation (trying to change the other person) and ministry (trying to help the other person understand who they are in Christ). Here is a fragment…
Soul Oneness depends on our motives for what we do, rather than the specifics of what we do. The question… is not “What should I do?” but rather “What is my goal?”. Fred’s anger should be a strong warning that his goal was manipulative. He was demanding a response from his wife that would meet his need of the moment. If Fred is (1) committed to the principle of ministry, (2) aware of his wife as a woman who longs to feel loved and (3) convinced he is God’s instrument to tangibly represent Christ’s love to his wife, then he is able to change his goal. The actual operation involves replacing thoughts like “Why can’t she be pleasant when I come home?” to “My goal right now is to let my wife know that she is a loved and special woman”…. As we replace our selfish thoughts with giving intentions, we need to remind ourselves that we are freely choosing to minister because we believe God. Although our feelings may not immediately shift from anger to compassion, we can convey noncritical acceptance to our spouses if ministry is our freely selected purpose.