Welcome to the month of love. It’s a good thing because everything else about February is pretty icky. I remember living in New England where February was wet and cold. Snow was slushy, skies were always gray, but then you’d pass by a flower shop and from then on you would be seeing red. Ah yes, we need this. Welcome to the month of love.
Ever wondered about that silent “r” in February? I’ll tell you about that, and in a way this may help you remember it every February. The silent “r” is a reminder that love is blind.
When we’re at the beginning of a love relationship, we’re fully loving from the heart, instead of the head. We throw caution to the wind and fully embrace this feeling of love and infatuation. This is why love is blind.
Where is the measuring of how much you are doing for your partner? How much are they doing for you? It’s not there, is it? When you are loving from your heart, in the “blind” stage, you don’t think about how much you are giving, and you don’t create images of how your partner does or doesn’t match up to the perfect partner in your mind.
I can remember when I first realized love is blind. It was during our honeymoon when a couple things happened that bumped love from my heart up into my head and I started to think about what I had done. Hey, wait a minute; this is permanent. There’s no going back on this now. Yikes!
Once your head takes over, you start to become more aware of the traits you ignored in the beginning of your relationship. You start to use logic more as you fall out of the honeymoon stage. What do you know, there’s an “r” in February. What’s that doing there?
Logic is a valuable intellectual trait, but in the realm of relationships, it can be destructive. You begin to make up in your head about how your partner will behave, what your relationship should be like, and what you think you deserve, and these thoughts can completely overtake all of the positive emotions you had before when love was blind.
Things our partner does are no longer thrilling. Their flaws are no longer “cute.” Instead, their flaws become annoying when love is no longer blind. When we start to let the little things stack up, we begin feeling resentment or built-up tension toward our partners. We start to punish our partners for their flaws. That can escalate into a series of rejections that become toxic or abrasive, and ultimately simmer into a general feeling of repression, or learned helplessness, where we lower our expectations so much that we no longer feel any needs being met in the relationship. When this happens, we turn to other outlets for our love and attention, like our work, children, an illicit relationship, or, for me, the ministry.
Successful relationships, however, know one crucial thing: It’s a no-blame game. I, on the other hand, blamed Marti for everything, and felt myself justified in doing so. Marti, of course, felt the blame. But it was the Lord who she knew loved her; she trusted Him with her heart and went about being who the Lord created her to be. Today, she shares her heart with both of us.
And that is a good thing because I am coming around.
I am recapturing the basis of trust in myself, as the Lord created me and not who others say I am, or who I might want to be. Trust is beginning to build. I am discovering my true self, and the Lord’s power in me. She is perceiving that and beginning to listen to the promises I am making, knowing how I keep them means everything. Promises made and not broken builds and restores.
Today, I hold true to the generosity of my highest intentions, which apply to all aspects of my life, including the ministry, finances and my relationship with Marti. I honor who I really am and staying committed to what I truly value.
Of course I sometimes return to my blame and shame game, dragging along the baggage from the past and providing similar painful experiences for Marti. But by remembering I am writing a new love story, I set myself free by focusing on all the moments of beauty, love and gratitude that have been present throughout our relationship. I am committed to the new love story, seeing life from her perspective, flooding myself with forgiveness, and focusing on the good.
I am not perfect, but I am igniting passion and creating joy.
And though I know that “r” is still in February, I don’t see it anymore, for one reason, because love is blind … and I am in love.
John Fischer The Catch 
Aww, lovely. Blessed, beautiful, and blossoming.
Great message about love. Cannot say it enough to trust in the Lord and miracles will happen and the two of you together trusting in God, blessed with your love for each other. Great combination to share with all and millions can learn so much from this.
What you described here John, is a love relationship that is pretty normal, and obviously you have learned a lot by your own admission. It is a very revealing and heartfelt story. The above comment, “Awww, lovely, beautiful, blessed and blossoming” gives my reaction.
My wife and I experienced the two armed camps of both being 100% right. That is the other is to blame for everything. Thank goodness with counselling, prayer and repentance we left that behind and actually started to walk a mile in each other’s shoes.
In the chapter on love in I Corinthians 13:4-7 it says, “Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud, ,or rude. It does not demand its own way. It is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged. It does not rejoice about injustice and rejoices whenever the truth wins out. Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful and endures through every Circumstance.
It was said by Beth Moore, an author and famous preacher, that if love were a spiritual gift, most of us would say we would not have it. Love is sacrificial if it is to endure through every circumstance. For most of us that is too difficult.
What about those who have a spouse who is no longer able to love because of memory loss. This makes love a total priority for the caregiver. What if that spouse is now suspicious of every move you make, is jealous for no reason, has anxiety about the strangest and most peculiar things and thoughts. Has changing moods that make no sense from one mood to the other, and all the caregiver can do is comfort and hold that spouse in his or her arms, saying, ‘Don’t forget, I love you.” You know two minutes from now that spouse can’t remember that you love her or him.
For caregivers it is most difficult because they have to give love ad nauseum and after a while the love tank is empty. That is a most difficult time. How can you love some one who no longer loves you. Well, God understands that and so as a caregiver you turn to him and ask for the love that he is able to give to all sinners. Sinners who do not even know that He exists.
You ask God to give you the love he has for you. After all, God lives in you and fortunately he shares that astronomically huge love with you and you can once again endure. Do not just ask, but also pray like Jesus did before he went to the cross, if you get what I mean, ie. put your whole self on the line in prayer.
I am living that kind of one sided love relationship. It has turned my life upside down. It has filled me with resentment, anger and immediate repentance, or I would go out of my mind too. Praise God for the love he enables me to give. The experience is humbling, God glorifying, enduring , and I have violated every tenet about love listed in the Bible passage above.. God helps me toe the line and keeps me repentantly obedient.
I have learned and am learning what God’s love is really all about. I am a husband under ‘construction’ and the Lord is not finished yet by a longshot.
I also rejoice in the fact that my wife loves it when we pray and talk about God together. While her memory has almost disappeared her faith has grown. WOW! PRaise God.
Well written, Peter, thank you!
Almost everything you wrote above… well, we could be simultaneously wearing each others’ shoes!
As you know from our previous conversations, brother, we share the same boat.
We may feel like the disciples straining at the oars but Jesus is with us also.
So, if it’s any consolation at all, you’re/we’re not rowing – or foundering? – alone.
I confess, though, my faith in answered prayer is pretty feeble right now and I often ask myself what’s the point?
Had a close young friend die from cancer in December. despite several months of prayers on their behalf and their young family.
Am not witnessing (or recognizing?) anything other than decline in my own wife’s condition.
And there seems to be no improvement in the well-being of others for whom we’re commended to pray.
In some respects, I’m feeling swindled.
In all respects, I’m tired.
But I continue to pray for Paula, Jane, and others; more out of a sense of duty, it seems, than with any actual conviction that any sort of healing will take place.
My faith is all but non-existent.
My love is on auto-pilot.
The hope is there, though, so who knows? Maybe Jesus’ parable about the woman pestering the judge will finally play out in our lives.
I am skeptical but I realize, too, that there is an active war going on within and around me that constantly challenges everything I thought I knew and/or believed in.
Stay as strong as you are able, my friend.
And be encouraged.
You’re not alone.
Here’s a new 60-minutes segment on Alzheimer’s you may be interested in watching:
Shalom, Peace to you and Jane my friend…
Bob
🙂